- **By**: [[beggersbeliefs]] - **Date Published**: 2025-02-01T10:13:58+00:00 - **Date Read**: 2025-02-24T16:58:43+00:00 - [**Read Original**](https://beggersbeliefs.wordpress.com/2025/02/01/im-still-here/) - **Tags**: #Homelessness **Note:** Below is the text from an online article – none of the writing is by me. Bet you all thought I’d gone back to sleep! Well I’m still wide awake. I’m pretty flipping startled to be honest. A lot has happened since my last post. There was another post on new years eve actually and I was wondering why I couldn’t find it but it looks like somehow I’ve created a whole new blog site just with that on it, I haven’t launched it tho I don’t think… Yeah showing my amateur tech skills here, reckon I can probably get my head around copy and pasting it on to a new post on this, the original beggersbeliefs site. Better late than never! In fact look it’s the first of Feb, that fits nicely then really. A month late with the new year post. This is Hobo time, bit like Jamaican time only longer still. It’s been a roller coaster so far this year. I’ve lost a very close friend, very suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s been a lot to get my head around and is obviously something I will want to write about, just not straight away. Paul Coakely our good friend died of pneumonia in hospital on January 15th. He was 38. His passing has shook me to the core. I have written and recorded quite a bit of material but I hope you understand me not publishing it at this stage. I suppose I did go back to sleep digitally, that aint no bad thing tho. Paul was someone I could talk to about spiritual things: rare. I was looking forward to saving the world with him on side, he’ll be doing it from the other side now. He’s the first dear friend I’ve lost since awakening which has made grieving into a very different experience. I am so gutted my friend didn’t get to show the world what he was capable of. I miss him. So please bear with me while I reintegrate myself after a bit of a crash. Here’s the new year bit anyway Paul was a nitty and proud of it so this can be dedicated to him. Thank you for being my friend Paul Coakely. 16.3.1986 – 15.1.2025. Nitty New Year. A very short base touching to say Happy New Year to all you beautiful people. NITTY, for anyone wondering, is slang for homeless street urchin type person, used mainly by the youth. I presume they are implying we have head lice, please correct me if I’ve got that wrong. My Christmas was different. I don’t have the time to do it justice but a complete account of the whole fiasco is brewing right now and I’m sure will make entertaining reading. I was there though and at the time it wasn’t funny. To be honest it’s too soon to go there still for me; my melon needs much more untwisting first! I feel optimistic as we head into 2025. This year is going to be special, I can feel it in my bones. There is anticipation in the air, the finer details are sliding into their perfect positions; clicking into alignment, locking into their place in space. That was the last Christmas I will spend without my family. I’m ready to step into the person I am supposed to be, that person has got some pretty major bridges to build. Thank you for the chance I’ve been given to see reality with new eyes. I am so blessed to be given this second chance. Unity consciousness is compelling me to reach out to this suffering world and help but I’m trying to run before I can walk. Charging around like a mad woman; trying to help, but everywhere I look, people are in pain. Where to start? Who to listen to? How to help? It’s overwhelming. I end up in a right old pickle and not actually helping anyone that much, if at all. No more! I’m no use to anyone in this state of flap! If I’m serious about following a spiritual path of service, I need to get my own head above water first. It’s not selfish, it’s sensible. The best Christmas present I had this year was actually a friend’s words of thanks. He has recently been housed and has made some great progress in his life, he was buzzing and seeing him buzz made me buzz too. He said thanks for my words of encouragement a few months back, that they really helped him push forward and get him where he wanted to be. Wow! What a great feeling! Winning at life! I may be more poor, *materially*, than any other time in my life but how wealthy I feel *inside* compares to nothing I’ve experienced before. There is another way of going about these lives we live and are responsible for. It is a mad thing, really it is: you really can transform your reality in your mind, in an instant. I promise you can. But try getting anyone to believe you! It’s something you need to experience yourself. I can find the perfect words to describe this new life if I think about it hard enough. Everyone needs to hear the good news! Listen out for me shouting it from the rooftops: WE ARE ALL IN CHARGE OF OUR OWN REALITIES FOLKS! That is my divine purpose. Using words to help people. This year I have discovered my divine purpose! That’s the hard bit done, now all I’ve got to do is achieve it so… watch this space. One Love. So after reading this again I feel even more determined to make this moment count. I have another reason to sort my shit out now; I’ve got to do it for Paul as well. I remember how I felt when I wrote it, I was excited about what was coming next. I hope it doesn’t seem insensitive or self centred writing about my hopes and dreams in the same breath as announcing my friend’s death. The wordpress AI feedback app basically says that it comes across as a little off key. It gives me this advice sensitively of course, I could probably learn a thing or two from AI. Tact for starters. You’ll have to excuse my directness. I won’t say what I need to say if I have to ponder on precisely the best words to use. Paul understands anyway that’s the main thing. Somewhere along the way I must have gained some really important spiritual wisdom because the way I feel after losing Paul is so radically different to how losing someone felt in the past. I’m sad and shocked, angry, frustrated. I’ve had a whole spectrum of emotions. I’ve allowed each feeling to arise and fall without trying to surpress or deny. Of course I’m upset, it’s normal isn’t it? I don’t know why anyone would try and interfere with a normal human response. People say silly things like ‘he wouldn’t want you to be upset’ or ‘no point thinking about the if onlys and the what ifs’. I am upset. End of. If I wasn’t upset, that would be strange. Paul would want me to be upset actually – surely. If it was the other way round and I was watching my nearest and dearest from the spirit realm not shedding tears for me I would be most put out. All emotions are normal, they only start being a problem when we start trying to mess about with them or deny and ignore them. Eckhart Tolle teaches us to observe and acknowledge our emotions as they pass through. Thanks Eckhart, great advice. One of the suggestions AI made was including memories and anecdotes about Paul. Yes. I agree. I just don’t quite know where to start. It was myself and a few others who knew Paul, it’s up to us to make sure the people who should have been in his life get a clear picture of who he was. I was so proud of how far he’d got within. Unfortunately it hadn’t started to show on the outside yet. ==After many years as a full time hobo he had finally secured temporary accomodation and a local conection to the area giving him the right to start bidding on properties with secure tenencies. It’s so fucking unfair. Like Jakub before him, Pauls life ended just as he was gertting his life back. In fact I know of many other hobos that have died shortly after being housed. Could there be a connection? Is it too big a shock, all be it a positive one, after years sleeping rough, is survival mode switched off too abruptly? Should there be a bit more thought put into transition when an individual so deeply entrenched in street life is housed?== If you let yourself down, you will end up letting others down. This was recently sent to me by a friend. I don’t want to let anyone else down. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m horrified that my friend died alone in hospital with nobody by his bedside holding his hand. I am ashamed and disgusted at myuself that it has happened. I’m so sorry I let you doiwn Paul. Everyone I’ve ever let down; I’m so sorry. Really and truly it is time to stop with the letting down. And start making amends. Thanks to everyone who has taken time to subscribe and comment. I will get around to replying to everyone soon. Please, please share with your contacts too. One Love.